I was caught in a cycle

I haven't been myself.
Not eating properly, not wanting to cook.
(Me? How unusual!)
Not sleeping well, although napping a lot.
Weird dreams that I didn't remember at all, knowing only that I'd woken several times during the night.
Hiding away at home, not wanting to go out, not even to take photos.

I was......I hesitate to say depressed, I'll go with lethargic, despondent.
I'd been thinking about my future and becoming increasingly worried.

Low paying job, low hours, no savings.
Hasn't bothered me before.
I have food, clothing, a roof over my head.

But, my rent is high. (And gets higher every year).
Working full time, it wouldn't be a problem, but I no longer work full time.
There are physical limitations and the body is feeling more and more tired.
Dammit, I'm getting old! When did that happen??

Anyway, it's what I've been hearing and reading that has gotten to me.
Rents going up even higher.
Electricity costs skyrocketing.
Food costs rising, rising, rising.

(For one scary moment, I saw myself homeless, living in a box under a bridge.)

But now things are looking up.
There won't be any immediate change, but there's light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.

Last Friday I had an appointment with someone who listened to my worries, discussed options and offered helpful suggestions.
(None of which I will be discussing here, I don't want to jinx myself at all.)

The important thing is, I spoke.
More importantly, someone listened.
I heard options that I hadn't known about.
He gave suggestions that I will be following up on.

On Saturday morning I woke late after being awake previously at 3am and reading until I fell  asleep again.
I went out to do a little shopping, walking a couple of blocks  further than I needed to, and stopping at the shops on the way home. I needed bread, milk, the newspaper. Not much really, the freezer and pantry are full. (Because I haven't been cooking....) And I bought a very small steak from the butcher. 
I felt better for the exercise.

Later in the day, I kicked myself off the couch and into the kitchen and cooked five different vegetables and the steak.
And I felt better for having made myself do this and eat properly.

I'm thinking more clearly now.  And I know there is help out there.


  1. And plenty of online support of needed :]

  2. Geez I am glad you went to talk to someone and he had some good advice to offer. I am sad that you feel this way but you are clearly resourceful and life will not beat you! To infinity and beyond x

  3. You know we'd never let you live under a bridge. There's always a room if you really need one.

  4. Seems like a lot of us are at the same stage right now...retired or semi retired, grown children busy with their own lives, wondering how we are going to cope. I hope you were given some good viable options...at some point maybe you can share with the rest of us.

  5. I have friends in this same predicament, River, and it's scary. Good for you, for taking the initiative and talking to someone.

  6. I am sad that you were a little down. But so proud that the fighting River fought back and got some help. And the five vegetables sound great.

    Take care of yourself. You are important to probably more people than you realise.

  7. Everyone above; thank you. I have a couple of follow up appointments to make and keep and I'll see how things go from there. I'm feeling much brighter in myself now that there is something to be done.

  8. At the mention of divorce and sell the house, I had visions of me sleeping in my mother's back bedroom for ever. So I decided he wasn't selling my house to give money to his blonde and I fought tooth and nail and kept it. You have to take time, breathe and think and it will all fall into place.

  9. JahTeh; I had a few panicky days, which isn't like me, but it drove me to see someone who might help and I learned about options I didn't know I had. So I'm seeing things in a better light now.

  10. so glad you got some help.I know just what you mean.


  11. You certainly need to secure affordable housing, something, no one can take away from you. Pleased to hear you are feeling a bit brighter.

  12. Apply for public housing straight away. I think the rent is less than one third of your income, whatever that income might be. And some of those places are good: modern and single-storey with a bit of a garden, I started out in a place like that as a single dad, on my way to shrewd dealings.

    Well of course you're worried and you want to keep your independance. See if you can get one of those places.
    You are a genuine sweetiepie, deserving of any luck that comes your way.

  13. SMall consolation I know but I think we all go through this at some time or another. I often wake in a panicked state worrying about money particularly but somehow it works out eventually. It's hard getting motivated when you live alone sometimes. I know when I'm on my own it's easy to skip meals, sleep poorly, neglect exercise and it all adds to the malaise. Glad you have someone to vent to and to help with a solution.

  14. I echo everyones sentiments. I'm sorry you were feeling down. I worry a lot so I know what that is like. To take action is brave and to eat well important. Good luck with the forthcoming appointments.

  15. I live in senior housing through HUD and only pay 1/3 of my meager income, actually less than 1/3 because they take into account the cost of your utilities. I know the system fairly well so if you have any questions, just let me know.

  16. Andrew; something I can more easily afford is the biggest of my worries. I'm currently paying about 80% of my wage in rent. I applied to Centrelink for rent assistance and got it, but I'm still in difficulties with the cost of utilities. But I'm feeling better for having spoken about it. Like the song says "hang on, help is on its way"

    R.H. A sweetiepie? Thank you. I applied for public housing 11-and a half years ago, but was recently told the current waiting list is about 25 years long still. I'm now seeking assistance to maybe shorten that time for me. The rents are only 25% of income.

    Baino; I still eat reasonably well, I just got down last week and couldn't be bothered with cooking, or anything at all really. The not sleeping well is getting to me. Normally I sleep all night, no problem, now I'm having weird dreams and waking 3-4 times a night. My dctor was lovely today when I cried all over his desk.

    Linda; welcome to drifting. Thank you for your offer of help. I'll keep you in mind. Everyone is being so helpful since I opened up and started talking instead of hiding in bed.


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