The "C" word

I don't often say the "C" word, preferring to find other alternatives.

But today?

I feel it, so I'll say it.

CRAPPY.

There! I've said it!

I'm feeling crappy. And disappointed with myself.
I'm also feeling chubby and chunky.
And not in a good way, like a bar of chocolate can be chunky.
I'm also comfy and cuddly, but only on good days.
Today is not a good day.

Some months ago, I set myself a goal.
I wanted to lose some weight.
Part of this was to look a bit better at the Bloggers Conference, but the main reason is that I'm uncomfortable at this weight.
More truthfully, it's the size I'm uncomfortable with. The extra inches around my middle that are making life uncomfortable. They are causing me to buy size 16 clothes instead of the size 12 I used to wear as little as 8 years ago.
Mostly I feel this discomfort when I'm sitting and the waistbands of my clothes stretch tight and cut in a little.
Genetics have ensured that I'm built sturdily.
We're a short, thick waisted mob, pining to be a tall string bean type is ridiculous.
But the roll of fat that shows itself when I'm sitting doesn't need to be there.


I did manage to lose a few kilos in the beginning, but since then, nothing.
I'm ashamed at my complete lack of "stick with it".
I can make plenty of excuses;
it's too hot to go for that daily walk;
icecream has milk so it's calcium;
it's not a huge pizza and I won't want the leftover bit tomorrow so I'll eat it now.
I "forgot" to buy veggies, the fruit is all gone, so I'll have pancakes for dinner.
Let's face it, I like to eat. And I don't like to exercise.
Apart from walking. I do enjoy that.


But I don't handle heat well, and while we haven't had much of a summer, many days have been too hot for comfortable walking. Another excuse, I know.....
So after getting to work, then getting home, I've been sitting.
On my bum.
Losing myself in the blogworld. It's so addictive......
Hours can pass before I look up and realise it's dinner time. Or bedtime.


And I've been eating.
Muesli bars. (They're healthy right?)
Lunch. (Everyone eats lunch.)
Icecream. (It's a hot day, icecream will help.)
Dinner. Icecream for dessert. (And for a late night snack.)


I can't seem to stop myself. The lure of the sweet is strong.


I also realise that a lot of this is brought on by the nervousness of meeting face to face so many of my internet friends and hoping I can hold up my end of any conversation. (if the subject is politics, I'm lost).
I'm also desperately hoping I'll be able to take in and remember enough information to learn stuff and blog about the weekend once I'm home.


So I've decided to ignore the whole thing until after the conference and possibly until after Easter. Hmmm, Easter.........chocolate.......yes, definitely until after Easter.
Then, there's going to be some changes.
Not too many, mostly eating less.
The weather will be cooler, it always is after Easter.
So there'll be a walk before I turn on the computer.
Two walks on days that I don't work.
Meals will be smaller, like I did in the initial weight loss weeks.
Bye, bye 5kgs.
A schedule will be drawn up.
Hours will be devoted to specific tasks that aren't done sitting on my bum.


I'll be splitting my blog reading in half. I have many blogs in my reader, far too many to get through in one day; slow connection, (dial up), slow reader, (me).


Things that need to get done will get done. (Vacuuming; way overdue).
Like menu planning, so I go back to cooking yummy dinners. Instead of pancakes, frozen pizza, beans on toast.


Turning on the computer and connecting with all my friends will be my daily reward.